Coping With A Hostile Ex - Part 8

Since there is still a very steady stream of traffic reaching this blog via searches about coping with a hostile ex, I wanted to share a website I recently discovered that I think might be helpful:

http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/symptoms_of_HAP.asp

Hostile Aggressive Parenting is abusive behavior--both toward the other parent and the child.  It isn't in your head, it isn't going to get better, and as we learned, the family court system will do nothing to help.  However, the above website has some suggestions for getting help and how to bring awareness to the problem.  If you or someone you know is dealing with Hostile Aggressive Parenting, I think it's a good site to send to them and to anyone in their family.

Dealing With A Hostile Ex Wife - Part 7

This is an old article, but I thought it would give hope to the thousands who are dealing with bitter ex wives. Courts can and do recognize bitter ex wives who are using the court system for revenge. We have a court date set for June and will be asking for the obsessed ex wife to have to pay all legal costs. I think we have an outstanding chance of winning.

Coping With a Hostile Ex Wife, Part Six

NOTE: I am not an attorney, psychologist, counselor or therapist. These are simply my suggestions and thoughts having dealt with a bitter ex-wife for the last 3 years.

With the holiday season approaching & the economy tanking, I'm noticing more and more searches on dealing with a hostile ex wife. Lack of money does bring out the worst in people--as often do the holidays. So, for what it's worth, some idea that might help you survive the holidays.

1. Do not let the guilt of divorce lead you to be a bad parent. Too often divorced parents try to buy the child's affection, or buy things to interfere with the other parent. When we bought Andy's son a train set as a gift, the ex immediately had to buy the exact same one for him to have at her house. Children do not need 20 presents at Christmas. It can be really tempting to buy elaborate gifts out of guilt, but have you ever enjoyed being around a spoiled child? Doesn't the word "brat" spring to mind? Don't turn your own child into one. You are trying to raise a decent human being, not win a popularity contest.

2. You are not obligated to spend Christmas with people who make you unhappy. You have one person attached to your life who is horrible and mean--you don't need to accept any others. We were recently traveling on a commuter train, and all the talk of the holidays was not about the excitement or parties or even money--it was about family problems and obligations and not wanting to have to see certain relatives. If your family get-togethers are stressful or unpleasant, don't go. Being biologically linked to someone doesn't guarantee that you're going to like him or her.

3. Let others know what you're going through. Last year we had to made some very difficult decisions, and ones that were going to be hard for some people to accept. When explaining our decisions to some of the relatives, we actually sent an outline of everything we had tried to do over the last years--actually predating me & going back the full 5 years since the divorce--and simply attached a large sampling of the ex wife's abusive and spiteful emails and letters. In order to save face, Andy really hadn't ever been open about how bad the situation had gotten, though many of his family members suspected that it was much worse than he was letting on. It really helped to tear down some of the walls, though I think the shock of how nasty she actually has been was a bit overwhelming for some of them.

4. Consider giving Alec Baldwin's book as a gift. As a rule, I never read anything about celebrities because I think worshiping someone for being good at a job is a bit strange, but I did read this one and anyone who has gone through the hostile-ex drama will see his or her own story in it. He does have some great advice as well, and I think the more publicity there is about bad mothers & hostile ex wives will help blow apart the continuing stereotype that being a "mother" actually makes one a good parent.
5. Spend some quiet time unwinding and reflecting. There are some things you'll just need to accept:

* Bad people exist and they often have children.

* In spite of everything you do, ultimately the child/children will have to decide for themselves what kind of person they want to be, and they may choose to be like the hostile ex. EVERYONE MAKES THEIR OWN DECISIONS ABOUT WHO THEY CHOOSE TO BE AND EVERYONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE PERSON THEY CHOOSE TO BE.

* Just because someone chooses to always see themselves as a "victim" and feel sorry for his or herself, you are under no obligation to do so. My favorite sob story was the one about being "abandoned" by everyone. If you are hateful to others, no one will want to be around you. You're not being "abandonded." You are driving people away by being a mean & hateful person. That's a choice & there are consequences to all choices.

* Verbally or physically abusive people can be nice, but nice people are never verbally or physically abusive. Don't be misled by temporary niceness.

* You're going to be accused of darn near everything. Unjust accusations can be really overwhelming, but eventually you will get used to them and they may actually start to be sort of funny. Now I'm just waiting for one of us to be accused of the Kennedy assassination, nevermind that neither of us was even born yet.

* Your ex is not miserable because you divorced her. She's miserable because she has chosen to be. You have no obligation or responsibility to her.

* It is not illegal to be a bad parent. I struggled with this one for a long time, but it is not illegal to allow a 7-year-old child to play first-person shooter video games, or to sleep in the same bed with an 8-year-old, or refuse to allow play dates, or to serve only food high in sugar, or to take a child to video game arcades every day, or to have no rules or boundaries, . It might be pretty universally acknowledged to be spectacularly poor parenting, but it isn't illegal and there is nothing you can do about it. You will just have to live with it.

* You will need to decide for yourself how far you are willing to go. Do you want to battle it out no matter what? Is there a point where it might be in the child's best interest (and yours) to bow out? That's a decision only you can make, and no one wins either way. It can feel like a desperate situation, and suicide rates among divorced men are quite high & MANY men have contemplated suicide to get out of this kind of scenario. There are other options and having a child obligates you to pay child support, but it does NOT require you to be miserable.

* This will cost you a lot of money. Our legal system is set up very nicely to allow for legal harassment. Set up a savings account and put money aside every month for legal expenses or whatever else comes up. If you can afford it, put an attorney between you & the bitter ex. We have assumed that we'll both work a year or two past normal retirement to make up for all the expenses of having an attorney, but anything is better than having to deal with her nastiness and spite directly.

* You are responsible for your own happiness. Yes, this is a terrible thing to go through, but it is up to you whether it destroys your life or not. She's racking up legal and medical bills? Make a game of seeing how long you can go without buying anything new and HAVE FUN WITH IT. Learn vegetarian cooking to cut down on your grocery bills. When the spite and meanness get overwhelming, have some other divorced friends over and play Bitter Ex Bingo (suggested categories: types of false accusations, scenes at drop offs, hate mail, jealousy--whatever). Do not fixate on the situation, but find a way to cope. A bitter ex can take your money and can temporarily take your children, but kids are smart and they will probably figure things out one day. In the meantime, do not let it control your life.

* Your children and/or your ex wife may destroy any future marriages if you don't learn to cope with them, and they may hope to do so. Most marriages fail & second marriages are even more prone to do so. If you don't have appropriate boundaries with an ex and appropriate rules of behavior for a child, future relationships are probably doomed. Talk with other couples who have survived, go to counseling, commit to making your marriage work. We've been very lucky as working through all of this has actually made our relationship stronger, but it has taken a lot of work and a great deal of humor. We've finally become so immune to her hatefulness that several months ago we spontaneously started celebrating every time a new hassle with her turns up. I don't know if it was the thrill of having an attorney as a buffer or just the realization that we're obviously so happy & making her so jealous that now she's having to go out of her way to create problems, or her obvious desperation to be important to people who couldn't possibly care less about her--whatever it is, we might actually start to look forward to her dramas soon.

* This too shall pass. Every day, week, month, year that goes by takes you one step closer to being legally free of your hostile ex.

Dealing With A Hostile Ex-Wife - Part Five

NOTE: I am not an attorney, psychologist, counselor or therapist. These are simply my suggestions and thoughts having dealt with a hostile ex-wife for the last 3 years.

As sad as these situations were, there seems to be more & more internet searches about dealing with hostile ex wives--just the traffic increase on this site alone is frightening. I'm sure the failing economy is having an impact, or maybe the number of hateful ex-wives really is increasing. Whatever it is, it's obvious people are needing some help and looking for answers. So, my latest round of suggestions:

1. Know the laws in your state that can protect you. If the ex-wife is harassing you, calling when you have asked her not to do so, sending hateful emails, calling you at work--whatever--put it in writing how she may contact you. State explicitly that you do not wish to be contacted by her in any other way. We sent a copy to our attorney for reference. If she violates your stated request, you may have grounds to get a restraining order against her. 3 violations (in Idaho) constitute a felony and she can be sent to jail. Check the laws in your own state and do whatever you need to do to allow you to get a restraining order. It's time to have a zero-tolerance policy concerning abusive ex-wives.

2. Establish rules of behavior in your own home and stick to them. If the ex cannot be civil and decent, do not let her do drop offs at your home. Not only should no one be treated badly in his or her own home, it will make your home an emotionally "safe" environment for the child/children.

3. Take all the steps you can to protect yourself from identity theft. Quite often, one spouse will know the other spouse's social security number. There are ex spouses who are so determined to strike out at the other person that laws don't even seem to slow them down.

4. The less she matters, the worse she might get. In talking with everyone I've encountered who is coping with a hostile ex (husbands as well as wives), and judging from our experience, the idea of just not mattering anymore fuels much of the behavior. As you move on, as her behavior matters less and less to you, as her hurtful accusations mean less and less, she may escalate her behavior in order to get a reaction. At least if you're angry, she still matters. This may be when she is most dangerous, so be prepared. I don't think there is any way around it--unless maybe someone close to her finally steps in with the "you're divorced, get over it, move on" speech--and I don't know if there's anything to be done. We tried for quite a while to let the ex pretend whatever she wanted, but that led to her asking to know things that were none of her business, greater interference with our parenting choices, and probably just delayed the inevitable. When we received a long email from the ex saying her "gift" to him would be to be out of town during our wedding (3 years after their divorce), Andy finally just had to say basically "I could not possibly care less what you do--it just doesn't matter in any way." We've been married almost 2 years now, and I can't say that we've moved out of that "needing to matter" mode, but the more time that passes and the fact that she cannot contact us in any way, shape, or form without going through our attorney, she will hopefully move on. At least our lives are more peaceful.

5. Take care of your health and your relationship. Stress can be physically damaging and can destroy relationships/marriages. Take up a sport together, find time to spend together, plan date nights, go to counseling--whatever it takes. A bitter ex wife will do everything she can to see the ex husband's new marriage fail--she has probably been blaming him for all the problems in the first marriage, and for him to go out and have a successful second marriage actively disproves that. She needs the second marriage to fail, and if you aren't committed to each other and able to work through problems and communicate and support each other, she will get her wish. A very wise family counselor told us, "Put your marriage first, children second."

6. Surround yourself with positive people. It might sound simplistic, but if you have to have one person in your life who is a constant source of meanness, spite, and hate, it will drain you. The only way we've found to combat it is to surround ourselves with large numbers of friends who are loving, supportive, and caring. They will help you get through this--even if you don't openly discuss the problems with them.

7. Help someone else. When dealing with a bitter ex wife--whether you're the ex-husband or the new wife/girlfriend--it can feel like there is no escape, that this horrible person can make your lives miserable and that the child custody system is there to help her do so, and it can consume you. Get involved in a charity, volunteer at a hospital, or talk to someone who is dealing with a major illness such as cancer or cystic fibrosis. I spent 2 years working with cystic fibrosis patients, and have several friends battling cancer right now, and the strength and bravery and determination that all of them have shared is simply humbling. It's been a great reminder that life isn't fair, and I'm sure over the next 10 years we'll continue to have legal battles and expenses, and continued nastiness, but there are so many worse things we could be going through--and we will be legally free of her in 10 years.

Dealing With a Hostile Ex Wife, Part 4

I have regularly written entries on my ideas for dealing with a bitter ex wife in order to help others in the same situation, but it is fundamentally wrong that anyone should be persecuted by a bitter ex wife. The realities of dealing with a hostile ex wife are often overwhelming. An example of what people in this situation go through:

* Receiving regular verbal and written abuse from the ex, which no court of law will do anything about.
* Paying your abuser child support, which she can freely spend on herself while doing everything she can to make your life miserable. No one should have to pay their abuser.
* The ex telling the child that the noncustodial parent's rules are stupid, silly, or that they don't have to follow them
* No matter how vicious and troublesome the ex wife has been, there is always an attorney who will represent the "poor ex wife" for free.
* Child support is not actually about the child's best interests--it is basically a punishment for the noncustodial parent. If it were about the child, the ex wife would be required to prove that it was being spent on the child.
* The father's living expenses cannot be factored into child support calculations. We strongly considered moving to finally get away from the ex, but our income would not go up nearly as much as our living expenses, and our child support obligation would go UP.
* An ex wife making fraudulent claims of abuse, often getting the ex husband arrested.
* The ex wife bad mouthing the ex or his new spouse to the child and in front of the child.
* An ex wife making scenes at a drop off or exchange, then blaming the child's reaction to the scene on the non abusive parent.
* Denying visitations to a father who cannot afford an attorney to enforce the custody agreement.
* An ex wife incurring frivolous and unnecessary medical expenses that the father is expected to pay.
* Stalking, harassment, insurance fraud, spying, even identity theft.
* Ex wives are rewarded for their nastiness. When we finally stopped visitations because of the ex's insane behavior and what it was doing to both the child and us, our child support obligation went UP.

Our legal system has actually created a system for abusive and hostile persons to have the legal right to rack up legal & medical bills for their victims, in addition to child support and insurance costs. Our system legally ties the abused to their abusers and actively enables the abusers.

If you or someone you know is going through this or has been through it, please forward them this link. We are collecting stories & anecdotal evidence that will start finding its way to judges, legislators, and attorneys who take any "pro bono" cases.

Somewhere in our constitution is a clause guaranteeing "Equal protection under the law." It's time men with abusive ex wives received it.

Today is Parental Alienation Awareness Day

When there are has been a divorce involving children, one parent often tries to turn the children against the other parent. The hostile parent can be the mother or the father. It occurs so regularly that it is now referred to as "Parent Alienation."

For information about parent alienation and the awareness day, visit here. If you have experienced hostile parenting, either as the alienated parent or the child, please send them your story. Currently, our laws and our society do little or nothing about protecting the child or the other parent, especially if it is the father. These situations exist, they are a nightmare to live through, and it is time they stop.

Coping With a Hostile Ex Wife, Part Three

NOTE: I am not an attorney, psychologist, counselor or therapist. These are simply my suggestions and thoughts having dealt with a hostile ex-wife for the last 3 years.

So, what if you are the new wife or girlfriend of a man with a bitter ex wife? How do you cope?

First--if you are dating, make sure the divorce has been final for at least a year before getting involved with anyone--male or female. There is a grieving process, and even mentally healthy people can experience anger and bitterness over a recent divorce, so give everyone time to heal and move on. Normal people will generally be over it and moved on after about a year.

Second--if you are dating, find out if the ex wife has moved on. Does she work? Have friends? Is she remarried? Dating? Some women do manage to remain bitter & hostile even after remarrying, but a woman who is working, remarried, and has a life of her own is far less likely to be a problem. In the cases I'm familiar with, the ex wife continues to need to blame the ex husband for her unhappiness, no matter how long ago the relationship ended.

Third--if you are dating a man with an ex wife, be respectful of legitimate boundaries. It can be hard for children to have people entering & leaving their lives regularly, so the ex-spouses may have agreed to not introduce the child to a new love interest until the relationship is solid & looks like it could be permanent. That is a fair request. In our case, they had determined ahead of time that a relationship had to last 6 months until their son could meet anyone. That was fine. Red flags burst out when WAY before the 6 month mark was even reached, Andy started receiving hostile emails from the ex about me--threatening that he didn't ever want her to meet me, then she demanded to meet me before I met their son, she sent hostile emails saying the son was never to come to my house, I was never to be in the car during drop offs, that their son was "upset" and that he wasn't ready to meet anyone new, sending "statistics" on how many second marriages fail (my personal favorite), long tirades about how much she had worked at their relationship & how much he had hurt her, long blathering emails about how much she had loved him, and on and on and on. Obviously, this woman was trying to control Andy's life and stop him from moving on. THAT is not normal behavior--THAT is a bitter ex wife.

NOTHING ABOUT YOU OR YOUR LIFE WITH THIS MAN IS ANY OF THE EX-WIFE'S BUSINESS. Period. You and your boyfriend/fiance/husband need to be clear on this point. If he cannot stand up to the ex wife, it is time for counseling FOR BOTH OF YOU. You may be dealing with someone who has been emotionally, verbally, or physically abused. Women do abuse men, though there are far fewer resources for men. For information, visit:

www.batteredmen.com
verbalabuseofmen.com

Fourth--ask to see the communications with the ex wife. If you are seriously considering marriage, you are about to become part of the equation, and before making that decision, you need all the information. If this man is being verbally abused, he may have a long history of hiding the abuse--even from you. Even though I had long suspected Andy had been a victim of emotional and verbal abuse, I was astounded at the viciousness of many of the emails he had received since the divorce and since I entered his life.

Fifth--make an effort. Attempt to establish a working relationship with the ex wife. I know that sounds difficult, but sometimes marriages have gone so badly and there is so much bad feeling that neither party can ever deal with the other one calmly. Offer to be the contact point for the ex wife in order to put a buffer between them. I can't say that it actually made a difference for us in the long run, but I know in my own heart that I have always been civil, I made the effort, and that there just isn't a way to cope with her.

Sixth--If you do move forward with your relationship, get a support group of other women who have been coping with a hostile ex wife already. You will need someone to help you through this, and if they have already survived a similar situation, it will bring a little perspective to your life.

Seventh--Your relationship with this man is going to require more work, more understand, and more love than most marriages. The ex wife may have more control over him than you do--especially if there has been a history of verbal abuse. Fear is a more powerful motivator than desire for gain, and there will be times when he will choose to do something that may hurt you because he is more afraid of making her angry than of hurting you or making you angry. My advice is to see a counselor immediately--he needs to learn about establishing boundaries, and you need to understand what he has been through. BE VERY, VERY CAREFUL TO NOT DUPLICATE HER BEHAVIOR. If you are angry with something he has done, make sure you address the action and not the person. There can be some very deep wounds there. It will get better. Once he learns that you can be angry with something he did without attacking him as a person, once he trusts that you mean it when you say it is okay to do something at that you aren't just setting him up to yell at him later, and once he learns that you continue to love him unconditionally, he will learn to trust you and you can build your relationship together.

To be continued......

Coping With a Hostile Ex-Wife, Part Two

Again, let me reiterate, I am not a legal professional nor a counselor of any kind. These suggestions are from my own experience and that of my friends.

1. If your ex wife is not following the visitation schedule laid out in the divorce decree, she is violating a court order, is in contempt of court, and can be sent to jail. If you do not have an attorney or cannot afford one, you may fill out the forms yourself. Visit this website for more details.

2. Accept what you cannot change. While I firmly believe that an argument could certainly be made that custodial parents should be required to use child support ONLY for the benefit of the child, this is not how the law works and there is nothing you can do about it. Not paying child support as specified is a violation of a court order. That your ex-wife chooses to spend the child's money on herself--college, a new car, a boat, furniture, clothes--is not something you can do anything about. If your ex-wife starts telling your children that they can't do things because you refuse to pay for it, you do have the right to tell them that you send her a check every month and to tell them how much it is. It is frustrating to write a check every month to someone who is absolutely horrible to you, but try thinking of it as the price you pay to not have to be married to her any longer--it will be worth it.

3. Even if your ex chooses not to work, she is obligated to claim the income she should be making for figuring child support. While a child is under a certain age (check your state rules for this one), a custodial parent may not be obligated to work. After that age, even if your ex chooses to not work, for child support calculations she is required to use the figure she should be earning. If she tries to claim a lower figure, it is voluntary underemployment and is not allowed.

4. Have your own rules in your home and be firm and consistent. Even a very young child will tell you that "Mom lets me...." Be clear that there are different rules at each house, and you can even tell the child that you think that an 8-year-old still sleeping with his mother, going to arcades every night, or eating junk food is harmful, but stay away from saying that the mother is wrong. Don't make the child choose between you or put him or her in the position of defending the bad parent. We found it helpful to arrange playdates with other children & parents who had similar rules. Children learn by example and will be able to figure out for themselves what is "normal" and what isn't.

To be continued....

Coping With a Hostile Ex-Wife, Part One

Note: I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or a counselor. Knowing what we have been through and talking with friends what have also been through this, these are my own personal suggestions for whatever they are worth.

1. Understand her motivation. Stop and think about what is driving your ex-wife's behavior. In the cases I have seen, the ex-wife is angry and bitter that the ex-husband stopped loving her and has, most likely, moved on with his life. NOTE: Understanding is not the same as excusing. There is no justification in the world for nasty behavior, no matter who hurt who. But if you can understand that her behavior is completely based on emotions and hurt, you will be better prepared to cope with it.

2. Deal with your own anger first. Your ex wife can no longer make you love her, but if she can still hurt you or make you angry, she is getting a little sense of victory over you. No matter what she has said, no matter what she has done, you have moved on with your life--why should anything she says about you matter? No matter what she says or does, do not react.

3. You will have to lose some battles to win the war. We've all been there--the ex is bad-mouthing you or your new spouse to the kid(s). It does hurt the kids, but a jealous & spiteful ex-wife generally cares more about hurting the ex-husband than about what she is truly doing to the children. (NOTE: This is not a generalization about ex-wives! Most are probably quite decent people who care a great deal about their children and their well-being. This is only about those who do not that we lucky people get to deal with). It can be really tempting to get angry, to badmouth the ex-wife in return, or to tell the child his/her mother is lying, but as our friend Dave says, you have to lose some battles to win the war. When his ex-wife told his daughters that his present wife , Sue, was horrible and mean, Dave asked them if they had ever known Sue to be anything but nice to them, they had to admit that she hadn't. He didn't tell them the ex-wife was lying to them, but eventually they were old enough to figure it out.

4. Document everything. A 9-1-1 call from a woman saying that her ex-husband is hitting her/kidnapping the kids/abusing the kids/whatever forces the police to respond--they do not have the choice. If that happens, make sure you are the one who is calm & rational. Keep copies of all correspondence with the ex-wife, as well as a log of her irrational behavior (making scenes during dropoffs, showing up at your house unexpectedly, calling you at work, contacting the children during your visitations, etc.) Judges aren't blind and if one of you shows a consistent, rational pattern that one is most likely to be believed in court.

5. Keep all communications brief & to the point. We have all received pages & pages & pages of letters & emails from the exes, everything from long drivel-filled love letters, to big long tirades about parenting choices, to bitter rants about the ex-husband's new "perfect life" and "perfect wife" (my personal favorite), to long tirades about what a terrible person the ex-husband is, to poetry. If it does not directly pertain to something specifically about medical issues, school, drop offs, or something else specifically about the kid(s), do not respond. In every case I've seen, the ex-wife makes a habit of being a martyr, and has learned that blaming others for everything gets sympathy for her and is often a way to control people. Stop responding. Even if you try to be nice, it will get you nowhere & is just acknowledging her behavior. Just stop responding.

6. Meet with the school separately. If you end up in a court battle with your ex-wife, your level of involvement with your child's education will matter. Do not rely on your ex to pass accurate information to you. Know what is happening in your child's life directly.

7. Let go of the past. No matter what happened in your marriage--good, bad, or otherwise--leave it in the past. If the divorce was more than one or two years ago and the ex-wife is still bitter and hostile, the odds are good that things are never going to get better. Our friend Mark has been dealing with this for 13 years, and Dave at least 12 and the hostility from the ex has never abated. Even if you have memories of a kind person, that person no longer exists and nothing you can do can change her--not even agreeing to her requests. She probably doesn't want you to have more time or less time with the children, or in our case one week you'll have too much time and the next week she'll be angry because you don't have enough time, so agreeing to change isn't going to make it better. She only wants to be angry with you. Let her.

8. Don't give in to hate. Let's be honest, a hostile ex-wife can make your life miserable and that is generally what she's after. There is nothing you can do to change your ex-wife's behavior, but you can change your reaction to her behavior. Find other dads going through the same thing, get an attorney who can help protect your rights--including helping you file a restraining order if necessary, find a counselor who handles divorce, be honest with your extended family about what you are going through and create a support system for yourself. While it might feel good to do, don't make it an "I hate my ex wife club." It isn't worth it, it takes a lot of energy to hate someone, and it gives your ex-wife power over you.

To be continued....

Updates

1. So Far, So Good
Bananas has made it safely to the first mail drop and has updated her journal here. She has met a lot of other hikers on the trail, including one with the inexplicable trail name "Cannibal." I'm sure there's a story behind that one, but all the same, I think I'd be sleeping with one eye open.....

2. Dem Fischer Sin Fru
The final clue came out today. Good thing, too, because when I finally get past clue 1, I'm sure I'll just tear right through the next 6. It's a beautiful pattern (I will post pictures of the final project eventually--can you hang on until 2009?) based on/inspired by the old fairy story, The Fisherman and His Wife. That was my favorite Grimms Brothers story--the old man frees a flounder from his net & it grants him wish after wish, at his wife's request, and she's never satisfied & just gets more demanding. Finally the flounder takes everything away from them.

3. Ex-Wife Issues
I have no idea if the ex-wife repellent is working or not, but now a lot of people are hitting the blog looking for ways to cope with hostile ex-wives, and there has been a huge response. So, I will be adding some future posts about ideas, coping mechanism, advice we received, father's rights. This isn't going to turn into a site about divorce, but I don't think anyone should have to go through this type of thing alone. If anyone has ideas, tips, advice--anything to share, please let me know. One note: I know how frustrating and draining it can be to continually cope with someone who is totally consumed with hate, but only constructive ideas are going to be posted. This is about how to cope and finding options--not about bashing the ex. That which makes you angry controls you. A friend of ours stumbled across a blog by Andy's ex, and it's all about how awful he is & picks apart stuff on my blog, and while the obsessive fixation 4 years later is a bit worrying, what she actually says about Andy & about us is irrelevant--she can't send the venomous letters to us any longer, and obviously has no one who will listen to her, and she's just jealous & angry that Andy is happy & that no one cares what she thinks any longer. The opposite of love isn't hate--it's indifference. As a person, she just doesn't matter.

4. I Joined Another Knit-Along (KAL)
I will be seeking therapy--do you think they treat over-optimistic crafting???? And, in my best "enabler" spirit, it's this one. My theory is, if you take people with you, it's a little less insane. It closes on March 25, uses fingering yarn and size 7 needles (for non-knitters, this is a much bigger needle size than KALs usually use, so it will theoretically go faster--or would if you didn't have 58 other projects going at the same time).

5. Eating
I finally had one of my chocolate cinnamon bears (thanks Ellen!) and I thought they were pretty good. Andy didn't like them, but had two. (I didn't ask). Cinnamon and chocolate are such an unusual combination that it was a pretty unexpected taste, but it was REALLY good to have a cinnamon bear again.
When I eat things that are obviously pretty processed, my stomach hurts, I feel more sluggish, and I feel hungrier about 2 hours later than I should. To be honest, I did not expect that there would be much of a difference--either eliminating the processed foods or having them again--so if anything, I was biased the other way, but even at the risk of permanently giving up a lot of foods I really enjoy, I feel better when they're out of my life. *sigh*

Anyone have any thoughts on how to make oatmeal taste like cinnamon bears?

At Least We're Not Alone

I just got back from having dinner with a friend who is preparing for a court battle with his ex-wife. So far our court system has allowed her to violate most, if not all, of the points in the custody agreement, and yet he as had to continue to pay FULL child support. While there are many decent exwives and divorced mothers who really do care about their child's best interests, child support and custody is too often used by a bitter ex-wife to take revenge on an ex-husband who has moved on and is happy in his new life. This is excerpted from an article from The British Second Wives Club. America doesn't seem to have a lock on the loonies.

Bitter Ex Wife Pattern

Some examples to help you identify the bitter Ex!

by a BSWC Member.

It is recognised and accepted that Divorce is a painful, emotional process and it takes time for both separated spouses to recover and get on with their new lives. The BSWC has found, and many health professions agree, it takes at least 12 months for parties to get over the divorce and focus on their new lives however many 2nd marriages are finding, sometimes years after the previous marriage had ended in divorce, they are having to deal with the a bitter ex-wife who refuses to get over it and get on with her life and accept children have a right to have a happy relationship with their father.

Whatever the decisions were to end the marriage there seems to a number of first wives who have unresolved issues, we have discovered a familiar pattern into which a bitter ex-wife's behaviour falls: BEP ~ Bitter Ex-wife Pattern.

Most of our members have experienced some or all of these problems:

Ex-wife seeks to control ex-husband's time with their children. Ex-wife dictates who should/shouldn't be around the children, ex- wife may seek to have 2nd wife, girlfriend, grandparents excluded. Ex-wife to make child contact as difficult as possible - offer the children up for contact when she knows the ex-husband is working then accuse him of being an uncaring father when he can't see them at short notice. Ex-wife using the children to send messages to ex-husband and his family. Ex-wife bad mouth ex-husband/wife/girlfriend/family and make children repeat it. Ex-wife makes young children aware of court action, CSA etc., Ex-wife ridiculing ex-husband in front of the children and encouraging them to do the same. Ex-wife tells the children they don't have to listen to their father. Ex-wife enrols anyone who will listen to her into her hate ex-husband campaign. Ex-wife refuses to abide by the court order and considers herself above it all, doesn’t matter how it affects the children. Ex-wife lies to education authorities telling them her ex-husband is a bad person and that he should be excluded at all costs. Ex-wife claims everything is the ex-husbands fault and she was totally blameless throughout the marriage. Ex-wife lies about situations in the marriage and dates. Ex-wife spying on ex-husband's new girlfriend/wife, hang around his home, and make nuisance phone calls. Ex-wife obsessed with ex-husband's new life, wife and/or girlfriend. Ex-wife engages the services of a Private Detective to spy on ex-husband and his new partner. Ex-wife makes false accusations about ex-husband harassing her. Ex-wife makes false accusations of ex-husband beating her although she can't back this up with any evidence and her friends have never heard her mention this. Ex-wife writes long waffling letters using solicitor’s terminology because she believes she has legal training due to the fact she spends so much time in their company. Ex-wife claims the ex-husband is bad father because he doesn't pay enough money. Ex-wife thinks she is entitled to most of the ex-husbands money. Ex-wife has 'playing the victim' down to a fine art. Ex-wife destroys all ex-husbands personal belongings she can get her hands on. Ex-wife destroys family photos in front of children. Ex-wife never questioned ex-husband's ability to be a good father and to care for the children by himself until they were divorced when he became totally unreliable and couldn't be trusted with the children unless she gives him a complete list of dos and don'ts. Ex-wife refuses to acknowledge she has a problem and seek professional treatment for her problems such as paranoia, poor self image, anger...

And finally.....

Ex-wife claims she is always reasonable and all the problems are caused by her ex-husband!

Day 28 - ONE MORE DAY

First, obviously I didn't get the website access shut down last night--it takes a long time to get all the allowed email addresses typed in, but I am hoping to finish tonight. I will be leaving the knitting blog open to the public--if a snooping exwife who needs to get a job, get a life, and move on wants to read about my knitting....well then she's more pathetic than I thought. My other thought was to start posting our wedding pictures on every single post and writing about things she probably WOULDN'T want to read--like our sex life--but let's say it all together.....EWWWWWW! Don't worry--I didn't take that personally--no matter what the Google search engines think, this is not THAT sort of blog! :)

IF YOU WANT TO KEEP FOLLOWING THIS BLOG, I WILL NEED YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS OR YOUR BLOGGER USER NAME AND I WILL SEND YOU AN INVITATION. If you do link to this blog, you may want to link directly to my profile page--I'll put instructions for getting an invitation to view the blog. Basically, I'll add anyone to the approved list provided it isn't an obsessed woman who won't leave my husband alone even 4 years after the divorce. The link to email for permission is already in place.

I think I have been extremely patient with this woman--I have tried being nice to her, and met with vicious accusations. I have been kind to her son and done the parenting she does not do, but we finally could no longer deal with her hostility, verbal abuse (quite often in front of her son), and manipulations. Yesterday uncovered people across the country who had been stalked and/or harassed by vicious exwives, and I know several other men who have gone through this, so in my first, and probably only, political post, it is time to really start speaking up about women as harassers and harassment by ex-spouses in general. We have 4 years of hateful & abusive letters and emails--and documentation of calls at work, scenes at dropoffs, spiteful parenting, etc. (not to mention the excessive medical bills and ongoing legal costs for problems she's creating but that we have to pay for), the "parent alienation" (the hostile spouse saying bad things about the other spouse to the child which happens so often that they have a legal term for it but don't do anything about) --all of which has been copied to our attorney and later this month will be sent to several legislators that I know. If you know someone who has had to endure similar treatment--document it and start calling politicians. Not all single moms are in that situation because their husbands left them for younger women--many were driven away by verbal and mental abuse and they deserve to be protected from further abuse.


OK, pardon me while I step off the soapbox........umph

Andy came home from the store with this:


CONTRABAND!!!! It's actually for making the food for Bananas on her hiking trip, but all the same, it was quite strange to find boxes & bags in our kitchen again. Look at these--not a single one looks like recognizable food.

The pi shawl is done and blocked!!!


And furred!

I could barely keep him off the sheet long enough to pin the shawl--

As we say now, he was as obsessed as an ex-wife with a blog line!!!! :)