Headlines That Would Definitely Be April Fool's Jokes

*  Middle East Leaders Announce, "You know, this three thousand years of fighting thing has gotten kind of old.  Maybe we should try something else."

*  Oil Company Executive Says, "We're Devoting All Of Our Efforts To Getting Those Oil Spills Cleaned Up and The Damage Repaired"

*  Fox News Hires Fact-Checkers

*  2012 Superbowl Planned To Be An Understated, Tasteful Event

*  Martha Stewart To Be New Spokesperson for Hamburger Helper

*  Diet Industry Profits Falter As Americans Realize Eating Less And Exercising More Really Works

*  NBC Announces Upcoming Reality Television Series That Features Thoughtful, Intelligent People

*  U.S. Media Outlets Decide To Stop Talking About Charlie Sheen

*  Twitter Activity Dwindles As Americans Realize One Can't Have Thoughtful Communication In 180 Characters Or Less

*  Americans Go One Entire Week Without Referring To Anyone As "Hitler."

Headlines That Might Be April Fool's Hoaxes

*  CABLE TELEVISION EXEC ADMITS, "OUR SHOWS REALLY ARE MINDLESS CRAP--WE OUGHT TO IMPROVE THEM"

*  CHINA IMPOSES QUALITY CONTROLS ON EXPORTS

*  AMERICANS SPONTANEOUSLY REALIZE THAT TEXTING WHILE DRIVING IS INSANELY DANGEROUS AND STOP DOING IT

*  THERE WILL BE NO MORE HEADLINES ABOUT BRITNEY SPEARS....EVER

*  FACEBOOK EXECUTIVES PROCLAIM, "YOU KNOW, SINCE PEOPLE REALLY HATE IT EACH TIME WE CHANGE OUR FORMAT, WE'RE GOING TO STOP DOING IT"

*  TEENS DISCOVER A NEW FORM OF TEXTING CALLED "WRITING LETTERS"

*  MICROSOFT APOLOGIZES TO EVERYONE WHO BOUGHT VISTA AND THEN HAD TO UPGRADE ALL THEIR SOFTWARE BECAUSE NOTHING WOULD WORK WITH IT

*  MIDDLE EAST DECIDES THAT 10 CENTURIES OF FIGHTING IS ENOUGH AND CALLS FOR A PERMANENT CEASE-FIRE

*  THE NRA ADMITS THAT WAITING PERIODS AND NOT SELLING HAND GUNS TO CONVICTED FELONS ARE REASONABLE RESTRICTIONS

*  MODERATES FINALLY GET FED UP WITH SCARE TACTICS AND SOUND-BYTE SLOGANS AND TAKE OVER BOTH REPUBLICAN AND DEMOCRATIC PARTIES, PROMISING TO STOP MAKING UP CRAP AND TO DISCUSS ISSUES INTELLIGENTLY FROM NOW ON

*  TELEVISION NEWS TO START METICULOUSLY FACT-CHECKING THEIR STORIES

*  HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITY TO REPORTER'S QUESTIONS, "HEY, JUST BECAUSE I GET PAID A HUGE PILE OF CASH TO MAKE MOVIES DOESN'T MAKE ME AN EXPERT ON POLITICS OR INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS"

*  RUSH LIMBAUGH TO SPEARHEAD HUMAN RIGHTS CAUSES

*  FUNDAMENTALIST TERRORIST GROUPS AROUND THE WORLD REALIZE, "HEY, WE COULD REALLY BE DOING MORE PRODUCTIVE THINGS WITH OUR LIVES" AND CEASE FIGHTING

*  AMERICANS STOP TO VERIFY EMAIL STORIES ON SNOPES.COM BEFORE SENDING THEM ON

Headlines That Might Be April Fool's Hoaxes

Everyone knows the famous "War of the Worlds" radio broadcast and the panic it caused, and every year people fall prey to April Fools Jokes around the world. So, as a public service, if you see any of the following, you might double-check before calling your congressman....

* REPUBLICANS PUSH FOR SEX EDUCATION IN SCHOOLS

* CEO TURNS DOWN LARGE CORPORATE BONUS, SAYING "I DON'T DESERVE IT."

* DEMOCRATS TELL OCTOMOM "YOU WANTED 'EM, YOU PAY FOR 'EM"

* CONGRESS SETS ASIDE PARTY POLITICS AND WORKS TOGETHER FOR THE LONG-TERM GOOD OF THE COUNTRY

* MICK JAGGER RETIRES

* EXILE IN NIGERIA TRYING TO SEND MONEY TO PRIVATE ACCOUNTS IN AMERICAN FOUND TO BE LEGIT

* US COLLEGES TO DROP SPORTS TO PUT MORE EMPHASIS ON ACTUAL EDUCATION

* IDAHO LEGISLATURE DECLARES "EDUCATION SHOULD BE ABOUT LEARNING AND NOT ABOUT TEST SCORES"

* FOX NETWORK TO INTRODUCE NEW FALL LINEUP FEATURING THOUGHT-PROVOKING, TASTEFUL SHOWS

* FUNDAMENTALIST TERRORIST GROUP ADMITS THEY REALLY AREN'T ACCOMPLISHING ANYTHING AND TAKES UP KNITTING BLANKETS FOR THE POOR

* WALL STREET TRADER DECLARES, "UP OR DOWN A FEW POINTS HERE AND THERE DOESN'T MATTER. I'M IN THIS FOR THE LONG-HAUL"

* WALMART FORCED TO CLOSE ITS DOORS AS AMERICANS DECIDE THAT BUYING CHEAP CRAP PRODUCED IN THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES REALLY IS BAD FOR THE ECONOMY

* FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH ADMITS HE REALLY MADE SOME DOOZIES OF MISTAKES

* MEXICO INSISTS ON TIGHTER FOOD SAFETY STANDARDS FOR EXPORTS

* MORE AND MORE AMERICANS CONVERTING THE TV ROOM INTO A LIBRARY

* MICROSOFT RELEASES A NEW OPERATING SYSTEM WITHOUT ANY BUGS

* GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS WRITES NEW BOOK: GEORGE W. BUSH--A MISUNDERSTOOD GENIUS

* BRIDES MAGAZINE TO START FOCUSING ON PRACTICAL ADVICE FOR LONG-TERM MARITAL HAPPINESS

* BRUSSELS SPROUTS ENJOYING A NEW SURGE IN POPULARITY

* CONGRESS SOLVES THE SOCIAL SECURITY PROBLEM BY SETTING ASIDE THE CURRENT SURPLUS TO PAY FOR NEEDS IN THE FUTURE

* BRITNEY SPEARS DECLARES: I SHOULD TAKE CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND START HELPING OTHER PEOPLE

* FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH AWARDED THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE