* CABLE TELEVISION EXEC ADMITS, "OUR SHOWS REALLY ARE MINDLESS CRAP--WE OUGHT TO IMPROVE THEM"
* CHINA IMPOSES QUALITY CONTROLS ON EXPORTS
* AMERICANS SPONTANEOUSLY REALIZE THAT TEXTING WHILE DRIVING IS INSANELY DANGEROUS AND STOP DOING IT
* THERE WILL BE NO MORE HEADLINES ABOUT BRITNEY SPEARS....EVER
* FACEBOOK EXECUTIVES PROCLAIM, "YOU KNOW, SINCE PEOPLE REALLY HATE IT EACH TIME WE CHANGE OUR FORMAT, WE'RE GOING TO STOP DOING IT"
* TEENS DISCOVER A NEW FORM OF TEXTING CALLED "WRITING LETTERS"
* MICROSOFT APOLOGIZES TO EVERYONE WHO BOUGHT VISTA AND THEN HAD TO UPGRADE ALL THEIR SOFTWARE BECAUSE NOTHING WOULD WORK WITH IT
* MIDDLE EAST DECIDES THAT 10 CENTURIES OF FIGHTING IS ENOUGH AND CALLS FOR A PERMANENT CEASE-FIRE
* THE NRA ADMITS THAT WAITING PERIODS AND NOT SELLING HAND GUNS TO CONVICTED FELONS ARE REASONABLE RESTRICTIONS
* MODERATES FINALLY GET FED UP WITH SCARE TACTICS AND SOUND-BYTE SLOGANS AND TAKE OVER BOTH REPUBLICAN AND DEMOCRATIC PARTIES, PROMISING TO STOP MAKING UP CRAP AND TO DISCUSS ISSUES INTELLIGENTLY FROM NOW ON
* TELEVISION NEWS TO START METICULOUSLY FACT-CHECKING THEIR STORIES
* HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITY TO REPORTER'S QUESTIONS, "HEY, JUST BECAUSE I GET PAID A HUGE PILE OF CASH TO MAKE MOVIES DOESN'T MAKE ME AN EXPERT ON POLITICS OR INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS"
* RUSH LIMBAUGH TO SPEARHEAD HUMAN RIGHTS CAUSES
* FUNDAMENTALIST TERRORIST GROUPS AROUND THE WORLD REALIZE, "HEY, WE COULD REALLY BE DOING MORE PRODUCTIVE THINGS WITH OUR LIVES" AND CEASE FIGHTING
* AMERICANS STOP TO VERIFY EMAIL STORIES ON SNOPES.COM BEFORE SENDING THEM ON
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