Friday is my last day on the spending ban, so technically if I stayed up until 12:01 AM on Saturday, I could start online shopping then......A very worthy thought and well worth considering.....
We're finally getting lots of tomatoes!!!! Canning attempts will be posted for your amusement in about 2-3 weeks. Right now they're still enough of a novelty that we're pretty much eating all of them as they ripen. The cucumbers have far outstripped us and we're giving full sack loads to anyone who comes over--with or without their permission. If we have to, one of us distracts guests with a garden tour while the other one breaks into their car and plants a few sacks of cucumbers. They drive away grateful that we didn't plant zucchini....
Admittedly, we might be taking the gardening thing a bit too far. Tonight Andy actually said, "Today there was steam coming out of the compost bin--that's really exciting."
Obviously, we need to get out more.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Day 96 - It Would Still Be Cheating
We have decided that it would really be cheating if I asked Andy to pick up something at the store because his spending ban is over and mine isn't. It's amazingly easy to be quite firm with rules pertaining to something that doesn't matter in the slightest.
The latest issue: The insane volume of pumpkin butter I made on Sunday should be frozen. No matter how full that cupboard may seem, we just don't have THAT many small plastic containers. It might seem like it at times, but we just don't. So, our options were to 1.) Have Andy, freely spending man that he is, go get containers that "we" want, or 2.) bite the bullet and find another way to do this.
I am good under pressure. And faced with two stockpots full of cooked, spiced squash. At first I kept thinking that it wouldn't work to put it in two dozen Ziploc baggies because it would be really hard to scoop out later, and then it hit me: FREEZE IT IN THE BAGGIES, AND HAVE THE SENSE TO PULL IT OUT OF THE BAGGIES WHEN IT'S STILL FROZEN AND MOVE IT TO ANOTHER CONTAINER TO THAW.
Sometimes, I can be brilliant. Not when it would clue me in that 4 pumpkins cannot possibly cook down enough to make 3 8-ounce jars of any particular substance, but at least it kicks in occasionally.
The latest issue: The insane volume of pumpkin butter I made on Sunday should be frozen. No matter how full that cupboard may seem, we just don't have THAT many small plastic containers. It might seem like it at times, but we just don't. So, our options were to 1.) Have Andy, freely spending man that he is, go get containers that "we" want, or 2.) bite the bullet and find another way to do this.
I am good under pressure. And faced with two stockpots full of cooked, spiced squash. At first I kept thinking that it wouldn't work to put it in two dozen Ziploc baggies because it would be really hard to scoop out later, and then it hit me: FREEZE IT IN THE BAGGIES, AND HAVE THE SENSE TO PULL IT OUT OF THE BAGGIES WHEN IT'S STILL FROZEN AND MOVE IT TO ANOTHER CONTAINER TO THAW.
Sometimes, I can be brilliant. Not when it would clue me in that 4 pumpkins cannot possibly cook down enough to make 3 8-ounce jars of any particular substance, but at least it kicks in occasionally.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Day 95 - I'm Almost There!!!!!!
I have 3 days left on my spending ban (remember I have 8 extra days for that darn mohair), and I'm starting to slow down when I drive past shops. I'm looking at the catalogs being delivered to our house--well, except for the motorcycling and woodworking ones, but by Friday......I've browsed Amazon's website. I've checked the balance on my personal "allowance" account (we each have an allowance every month that is automatically transfered into private accounts--it beats having to explain why a woman really does need 10 pairs of black shoes). I flipped through the newspaper ads left in the breakroom today.
My list so far:
* 2 hanks of yarn to finish a shawl currently in progress
* a silver button/clasp of some sort for a sweater that I finished but that still needs a button
* earplugs for swimming
* new Goober Goggles
* a new yarn needle
* beads to finish a beaded edging on a sweater that's almost done. Obviously, when I can't shop, I get a lot of knitting done.
* if I have money left, something totally frivolous that I see at the checkout counter!!!!!!! Hey, there's always a use for Superglue!
It's probably a really good thing we set that $100 limit.........
PS. I noticed as I was flipping back in posts to the beginning of our ban that I seem to have completely forgotten that May and July would have 31 days instead of 30, so I originally had Andy's ban ending on August 10 and mine on August 18. Obviously, when one is suffering from retail deprivation, math skills are the first thing to go....
My list so far:
* 2 hanks of yarn to finish a shawl currently in progress
* a silver button/clasp of some sort for a sweater that I finished but that still needs a button
* earplugs for swimming
* new Goober Goggles
* a new yarn needle
* beads to finish a beaded edging on a sweater that's almost done. Obviously, when I can't shop, I get a lot of knitting done.
* if I have money left, something totally frivolous that I see at the checkout counter!!!!!!! Hey, there's always a use for Superglue!
It's probably a really good thing we set that $100 limit.........
PS. I noticed as I was flipping back in posts to the beginning of our ban that I seem to have completely forgotten that May and July would have 31 days instead of 30, so I originally had Andy's ban ending on August 10 and mine on August 18. Obviously, when one is suffering from retail deprivation, math skills are the first thing to go....
Dealing With A Hostile Ex-Wife - Part Five
NOTE: I am not an attorney, psychologist, counselor or therapist. These are simply my suggestions and thoughts having dealt with a hostile ex-wife for the last 3 years.
As sad as these situations were, there seems to be more & more internet searches about dealing with hostile ex wives--just the traffic increase on this site alone is frightening. I'm sure the failing economy is having an impact, or maybe the number of hateful ex-wives really is increasing. Whatever it is, it's obvious people are needing some help and looking for answers. So, my latest round of suggestions:
1. Know the laws in your state that can protect you. If the ex-wife is harassing you, calling when you have asked her not to do so, sending hateful emails, calling you at work--whatever--put it in writing how she may contact you. State explicitly that you do not wish to be contacted by her in any other way. We sent a copy to our attorney for reference. If she violates your stated request, you may have grounds to get a restraining order against her. 3 violations (in Idaho) constitute a felony and she can be sent to jail. Check the laws in your own state and do whatever you need to do to allow you to get a restraining order. It's time to have a zero-tolerance policy concerning abusive ex-wives.
2. Establish rules of behavior in your own home and stick to them. If the ex cannot be civil and decent, do not let her do drop offs at your home. Not only should no one be treated badly in his or her own home, it will make your home an emotionally "safe" environment for the child/children.
3. Take all the steps you can to protect yourself from identity theft. Quite often, one spouse will know the other spouse's social security number. There are ex spouses who are so determined to strike out at the other person that laws don't even seem to slow them down.
4. The less she matters, the worse she might get. In talking with everyone I've encountered who is coping with a hostile ex (husbands as well as wives), and judging from our experience, the idea of just not mattering anymore fuels much of the behavior. As you move on, as her behavior matters less and less to you, as her hurtful accusations mean less and less, she may escalate her behavior in order to get a reaction. At least if you're angry, she still matters. This may be when she is most dangerous, so be prepared. I don't think there is any way around it--unless maybe someone close to her finally steps in with the "you're divorced, get over it, move on" speech--and I don't know if there's anything to be done. We tried for quite a while to let the ex pretend whatever she wanted, but that led to her asking to know things that were none of her business, greater interference with our parenting choices, and probably just delayed the inevitable. When we received a long email from the ex saying her "gift" to him would be to be out of town during our wedding (3 years after their divorce), Andy finally just had to say basically "I could not possibly care less what you do--it just doesn't matter in any way." We've been married almost 2 years now, and I can't say that we've moved out of that "needing to matter" mode, but the more time that passes and the fact that she cannot contact us in any way, shape, or form without going through our attorney, she will hopefully move on. At least our lives are more peaceful.
5. Take care of your health and your relationship. Stress can be physically damaging and can destroy relationships/marriages. Take up a sport together, find time to spend together, plan date nights, go to counseling--whatever it takes. A bitter ex wife will do everything she can to see the ex husband's new marriage fail--she has probably been blaming him for all the problems in the first marriage, and for him to go out and have a successful second marriage actively disproves that. She needs the second marriage to fail, and if you aren't committed to each other and able to work through problems and communicate and support each other, she will get her wish. A very wise family counselor told us, "Put your marriage first, children second."
6. Surround yourself with positive people. It might sound simplistic, but if you have to have one person in your life who is a constant source of meanness, spite, and hate, it will drain you. The only way we've found to combat it is to surround ourselves with large numbers of friends who are loving, supportive, and caring. They will help you get through this--even if you don't openly discuss the problems with them.
7. Help someone else. When dealing with a bitter ex wife--whether you're the ex-husband or the new wife/girlfriend--it can feel like there is no escape, that this horrible person can make your lives miserable and that the child custody system is there to help her do so, and it can consume you. Get involved in a charity, volunteer at a hospital, or talk to someone who is dealing with a major illness such as cancer or cystic fibrosis. I spent 2 years working with cystic fibrosis patients, and have several friends battling cancer right now, and the strength and bravery and determination that all of them have shared is simply humbling. It's been a great reminder that life isn't fair, and I'm sure over the next 10 years we'll continue to have legal battles and expenses, and continued nastiness, but there are so many worse things we could be going through--and we will be legally free of her in 10 years.
As sad as these situations were, there seems to be more & more internet searches about dealing with hostile ex wives--just the traffic increase on this site alone is frightening. I'm sure the failing economy is having an impact, or maybe the number of hateful ex-wives really is increasing. Whatever it is, it's obvious people are needing some help and looking for answers. So, my latest round of suggestions:
1. Know the laws in your state that can protect you. If the ex-wife is harassing you, calling when you have asked her not to do so, sending hateful emails, calling you at work--whatever--put it in writing how she may contact you. State explicitly that you do not wish to be contacted by her in any other way. We sent a copy to our attorney for reference. If she violates your stated request, you may have grounds to get a restraining order against her. 3 violations (in Idaho) constitute a felony and she can be sent to jail. Check the laws in your own state and do whatever you need to do to allow you to get a restraining order. It's time to have a zero-tolerance policy concerning abusive ex-wives.
2. Establish rules of behavior in your own home and stick to them. If the ex cannot be civil and decent, do not let her do drop offs at your home. Not only should no one be treated badly in his or her own home, it will make your home an emotionally "safe" environment for the child/children.
3. Take all the steps you can to protect yourself from identity theft. Quite often, one spouse will know the other spouse's social security number. There are ex spouses who are so determined to strike out at the other person that laws don't even seem to slow them down.
4. The less she matters, the worse she might get. In talking with everyone I've encountered who is coping with a hostile ex (husbands as well as wives), and judging from our experience, the idea of just not mattering anymore fuels much of the behavior. As you move on, as her behavior matters less and less to you, as her hurtful accusations mean less and less, she may escalate her behavior in order to get a reaction. At least if you're angry, she still matters. This may be when she is most dangerous, so be prepared. I don't think there is any way around it--unless maybe someone close to her finally steps in with the "you're divorced, get over it, move on" speech--and I don't know if there's anything to be done. We tried for quite a while to let the ex pretend whatever she wanted, but that led to her asking to know things that were none of her business, greater interference with our parenting choices, and probably just delayed the inevitable. When we received a long email from the ex saying her "gift" to him would be to be out of town during our wedding (3 years after their divorce), Andy finally just had to say basically "I could not possibly care less what you do--it just doesn't matter in any way." We've been married almost 2 years now, and I can't say that we've moved out of that "needing to matter" mode, but the more time that passes and the fact that she cannot contact us in any way, shape, or form without going through our attorney, she will hopefully move on. At least our lives are more peaceful.
5. Take care of your health and your relationship. Stress can be physically damaging and can destroy relationships/marriages. Take up a sport together, find time to spend together, plan date nights, go to counseling--whatever it takes. A bitter ex wife will do everything she can to see the ex husband's new marriage fail--she has probably been blaming him for all the problems in the first marriage, and for him to go out and have a successful second marriage actively disproves that. She needs the second marriage to fail, and if you aren't committed to each other and able to work through problems and communicate and support each other, she will get her wish. A very wise family counselor told us, "Put your marriage first, children second."
6. Surround yourself with positive people. It might sound simplistic, but if you have to have one person in your life who is a constant source of meanness, spite, and hate, it will drain you. The only way we've found to combat it is to surround ourselves with large numbers of friends who are loving, supportive, and caring. They will help you get through this--even if you don't openly discuss the problems with them.
7. Help someone else. When dealing with a bitter ex wife--whether you're the ex-husband or the new wife/girlfriend--it can feel like there is no escape, that this horrible person can make your lives miserable and that the child custody system is there to help her do so, and it can consume you. Get involved in a charity, volunteer at a hospital, or talk to someone who is dealing with a major illness such as cancer or cystic fibrosis. I spent 2 years working with cystic fibrosis patients, and have several friends battling cancer right now, and the strength and bravery and determination that all of them have shared is simply humbling. It's been a great reminder that life isn't fair, and I'm sure over the next 10 years we'll continue to have legal battles and expenses, and continued nastiness, but there are so many worse things we could be going through--and we will be legally free of her in 10 years.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Day 93 - The Garden
Today started brilliantly. The weather was cooler all morning--which was a wonderful change--and Andy came in with our first really good tomato harvest,
then I found some cucumbers that should have been picked a week ago, but haven't turned yellow yet.
Then we (I) decided we (we) should make something with our pumpkin crop. I had borrowed a recipe book from the library that had a recipe for pumpkin butter, which sounded promising. We discovered that anything involving pureed pumpkin really isn't safe to can, but it would be okay to freeze. So, I picked a recipe that said it would produce 3 8-ounce jars of pumpkin butter. That sounded like a good amount.
It called for 4 medium-sized squash/pumpkins, peeled, seeded, and cubed. There are no pictures of that part, as we're not ready to laugh about that yet. I'll just say it involved 2 hours, almost every knife we own, one of Andy's woodworking saws, and I think we'll be finding pumpkin seeds in the kitchen for another week.
Fruit "butters" cook down a great deal, so while I was surprised that 4 pumpkins would produce 3 jars, I was willing to believe the recipe--presumably someone who writes a cookbook knows what he/she is doing. It now seems that there are some other possibilities--the author can just have a mean streak, might not be able to do math, or there was a typo and it was really meant to be 30 jars. It filled 2 stockpots:
I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing that it did turn out really well. On the one hand, I'd hate to spend 6 hours making something that we didn't like, but on the other hand, it's a bit unfortunate that you both really like something that you plan to never make again. Of course, depending on how long this stuff can last in the freezer, we aren't going to need to think about that for a while--possibly years.
then I found some cucumbers that should have been picked a week ago, but haven't turned yellow yet.
Then we (I) decided we (we) should make something with our pumpkin crop. I had borrowed a recipe book from the library that had a recipe for pumpkin butter, which sounded promising. We discovered that anything involving pureed pumpkin really isn't safe to can, but it would be okay to freeze. So, I picked a recipe that said it would produce 3 8-ounce jars of pumpkin butter. That sounded like a good amount.It called for 4 medium-sized squash/pumpkins, peeled, seeded, and cubed. There are no pictures of that part, as we're not ready to laugh about that yet. I'll just say it involved 2 hours, almost every knife we own, one of Andy's woodworking saws, and I think we'll be finding pumpkin seeds in the kitchen for another week.
Fruit "butters" cook down a great deal, so while I was surprised that 4 pumpkins would produce 3 jars, I was willing to believe the recipe--presumably someone who writes a cookbook knows what he/she is doing. It now seems that there are some other possibilities--the author can just have a mean streak, might not be able to do math, or there was a typo and it was really meant to be 30 jars. It filled 2 stockpots:
I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing that it did turn out really well. On the one hand, I'd hate to spend 6 hours making something that we didn't like, but on the other hand, it's a bit unfortunate that you both really like something that you plan to never make again. Of course, depending on how long this stuff can last in the freezer, we aren't going to need to think about that for a while--possibly years.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Day 92 - Andy Went Shopping Today
Even though yesterday was officially Andy's "free to spend" day, it was also a "work day" and a "dinner plans with friends" day, so he didn't actually get to spend money until today. I can't believe the entire world doesn't revolve around our bizarre experiments!
His list:
Extra coffee travel mugs to use in the garage when he's doing wood working projects.
Manly magazines--makes sense as the only magazines we subscribe to are Cooking Light and Cook's Illustrated, and I wouldn't call either of those exactly "manly." The poor man has probably been suffering from a little estrogen overload lately.
The 4th Harry Potter movie. While we have decided that most movies we can just borrow from the library, there are some "favorites" that really do qualify as "must own."
Twine. Just 'cause.
Plastic forks because if we keep showing up with just spoons people will stop picnicking with us.
A bunch of screws that we must need for something.
Sandpaper--obviously, our lists had zero chance of overlapping.
Natural wood filler--I think the fake stuff is perhaps less filling...
Two woodworking things, which he did sort of explain but which I will not be able to explain. Which is fair--I'd never make him try to explain anything in the sewing room.
And real roses
Just 'cause.
His list:
Extra coffee travel mugs to use in the garage when he's doing wood working projects.
Manly magazines--makes sense as the only magazines we subscribe to are Cooking Light and Cook's Illustrated, and I wouldn't call either of those exactly "manly." The poor man has probably been suffering from a little estrogen overload lately.
The 4th Harry Potter movie. While we have decided that most movies we can just borrow from the library, there are some "favorites" that really do qualify as "must own."
Twine. Just 'cause.
Plastic forks because if we keep showing up with just spoons people will stop picnicking with us.
A bunch of screws that we must need for something.
Sandpaper--obviously, our lists had zero chance of overlapping.
Natural wood filler--I think the fake stuff is perhaps less filling...
Two woodworking things, which he did sort of explain but which I will not be able to explain. Which is fair--I'd never make him try to explain anything in the sewing room.And real roses
Just 'cause.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Day 91 - Andy is a Free Man!!!!
With $100 in his pocket and a list. We'll see what he does with his day.
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