We need to dis-invite someone.
She's never been a close friend, and has always had pretty poor social skills--talking at you and not with you, never letting someone get a word in edgewise, and has tended to be a bit rude--but we always thought she meant well. You know--someone who is maybe a bit tiresome but who needs friends, and it seemed harmless enough at first. Monday night, however, she crossed over into aggressively rude and people were positively fleeing to get away from her--including Andy and I.
I've run into clods before and it's easy to not invite them to further parties, but soup night is ALWAYS the second Monday of every month. It's easy. She knows when it is & where we live. I will take her off the reminders, but there's a good chance she would show up anyway, and I don't think ANYONE could take another soup night with her, but I really do not want to hurt her feelings.
So, anyone have any thoughts on how to tactfully end a friendship, or dis-invite someone?
I've run into clods before and it's easy to not invite them to further parties, but soup night is ALWAYS the second Monday of every month. It's easy. She knows when it is & where we live. I will take her off the reminders, but there's a good chance she would show up anyway, and I don't think ANYONE could take another soup night with her, but I really do not want to hurt her feelings.
So, anyone have any thoughts on how to tactfully end a friendship, or dis-invite someone?
3 comments:
I think the for the next month I would take her off the reminder list and hope she does not show up. If she does, I think I would taker her aside at the end of the evening and tell her that she is no longer invited to Soup Night and leave it at that. But I am really loousy at this type of thing so. . .
I would talk to her prior to the next soup night – grab coffee or drinks somewhere, so it could be a cut short if needed. If she's showing up at your house I'm guessing that it’s not just for the soup. I’d say that she probably assumes that you have (or had, at least at one time) a close enough relationship to be welcome in your home, and since she was on the guest list in the first place, she probably has a basis for that assumption. Problem is, if she’s being that rude, she’s not respecting the fact that she is a guest in your home, and even though it’s an “open house,” offending you and your other guests still is not proper behavior. It’s not an easy conversation to have, and unless handled well, the conversation alone will probably end the relationship. While that may not be a bad thing, it could also be an opportunity to help someone else grow, but you’ll never know unless you cross that bridge. In the end, for me, I guess it boils down to what would I want to have happen if I were in her shoes?
I admit to being weaselly in this respect, but I would cancel the next two soup nights, for whatever reason you want - visitors, special events, illness, plumbing issues, whatever. And include her name on the reminders for these two. You can explain to your other friends that you will be rebooting Soup Night after you recover from the trauma of the last one. They will understand.
Delete her after the second cancellation goes out. The third month, she'll be used to no soup night, and won't think of it again.
I'm not so much of a "give people a chance to change" person, unless this person is in their 20's or early 30's. Changing behaviours is difficult enough after 35; changing a personality that is obviously not used to thinking of others is even more difficult. While it's possible that a conversation over coffee might lead to an epiphany, it's unlikely. Kicking her out of Soup Night might be incentive enough to change her evil ways, but I wouldn't put money on it. I've had enough encounters with people prone to emotional and physical violence growing up that I don't try to fix them. If they ever reach a level of self-awareness that would allow them to ask my why I avoided them, I would answer truthfully. Then they are willing to hear what I have to say. This woman can't even listen to others at a social dinner ;-)
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