I have regularly written entries on my ideas for dealing with a bitter ex wife in order to help others in the same situation, but it is fundamentally wrong that anyone should be persecuted by a bitter ex wife. The realities of dealing with a hostile ex wife are often overwhelming. An example of what people in this situation go through:
* Receiving regular verbal and written abuse from the ex, which no court of law will do anything about.
* Paying your abuser child support, which she can freely spend on herself while doing everything she can to make your life miserable. No one should have to pay their abuser.
* The ex telling the child that the noncustodial parent's rules are stupid, silly, or that they don't have to follow them
* No matter how vicious and troublesome the ex wife has been, there is always an attorney who will represent the "poor ex wife" for free.
* Child support is not actually about the child's best interests--it is basically a punishment for the noncustodial parent. If it were about the child, the ex wife would be required to prove that it was being spent on the child.
* The father's living expenses cannot be factored into child support calculations. We strongly considered moving to finally get away from the ex, but our income would not go up nearly as much as our living expenses, and our child support obligation would go UP.
* An ex wife making fraudulent claims of abuse, often getting the ex husband arrested.
* The ex wife bad mouthing the ex or his new spouse to the child and in front of the child.
* An ex wife making scenes at a drop off or exchange, then blaming the child's reaction to the scene on the non abusive parent.
* Denying visitations to a father who cannot afford an attorney to enforce the custody agreement.
* An ex wife incurring frivolous and unnecessary medical expenses that the father is expected to pay.
* Stalking, harassment, insurance fraud, spying, even identity theft.
* Ex wives are rewarded for their nastiness. When we finally stopped visitations because of the ex's insane behavior and what it was doing to both the child and us, our child support obligation went UP.
Our legal system has actually created a system for abusive and hostile persons to have the legal right to rack up legal & medical bills for their victims, in addition to child support and insurance costs. Our system legally ties the abused to their abusers and actively enables the abusers.
If you or someone you know is going through this or has been through it, please forward them this link. We are collecting stories & anecdotal evidence that will start finding its way to judges, legislators, and attorneys who take any "pro bono" cases.
Somewhere in our constitution is a clause guaranteeing "Equal protection under the law." It's time men with abusive ex wives received it.
6 comments:
A family friend of ours is having somewhat similar problems, despite never actually marrying the woman. His mistake was fathering children with her. I think it's interesting, though. When my parents were divorcing, the courts believed that women get everything, so they were very hard on my mother. Now, the courts are saying that the mother should have primary custody. I think the problem is that they try to make it suit everyone, and in doing so, it suits no-one. And the bias, regardless of the direction it favours, is just plain ridiculous.
My opinion is Australian-based, though.
Toni, it's a few years since you wrote this. I've been reading your blog because I'm coping -- have been coping, for almost six years -- with a hostile ex-husband who's draining to deal with, and...well, I could go on. Suffice to say I'm not the first ex-wife he's made a career out of hating.
I am dismayed, though, to see the blanket smear of ex-wives. I understand you're frustrated, and also that this is a common thing for second wives to do -- you know, I see it all the time. Frankly, I've dreaded my ex's finding a girlfriend just because I don't want to be in that spot. You know? I have enough to handle without being the evil money-sucking bitch who's handy for cementing their relationship by virtue of being an outside enemy.
Child support: I don't know your husband's ex's situation. I can tell you that my kid's c/s covers about a quarter of the bills here. I do the rest while keeping my schedule flexible enough to be there for her if she needs me. Yeah, I'm sure that if someone wanted to, they could point to my education and insist I could make more money. I probably could. I don't know who'd be picking her up after school for activities, or being home with her when she was sick, or helping her with homework, or doing the rest of the mom stuff, though, while I was busy maximizing my income potential. My guess is that if you have kids, you'll ratchet back on making money, and for good reason.
Custody: Depends on where you are, I guess. Custody to the mother is not a given here, and I had a lot to prepare, and do, to protect my kid from having to live with a father so mentally ill he was on disability. Child support and property division were by the book. It wasn't any kind of a cakewalk.
Please don't smear ex-wives in general. I wish there were some way of communicating to women -- before they married divorced fathers -- that stepmotherhood is really, really hard, and a powerless situation to be in, and it may go on for over a decade. That it's expensive, and that like it or not, they will be dealing with ex-wives whose priority is the children, not the new marriage (and no, "their father's being happy" doesn't do away with a whole host of parenting issues). That there are reasons why the parents divorced, and they haven't likely gone away. That in some senses it's a trap -- because there are children involved, and you've come to mean something to them, you can't just walk if you're having a bad time. And that walking into this situation voluntarily...you know, you can do it, but I think you have to be very, very careful about what you blame the ex for. If you're going to be fair.
Certainly, all ex wives are not the same, and since this post says "part 4," if you had read the previous posts you will have noticed that I have repeatedly said that this does not apply to all ex wives, and the title of the post is not "dealing with an ex wife." It is "dealing with a HOSTILE ex wife." Certainly, this does not apply to ALL ex wives. I doubt our situation applies to even a big percentage. But please read all the posts before passing judgments on what I have said.
I believe we are in the midst of an epidemic. We have severely maladjusted women who have been told by society at large and feminism that they neednt be held accountable for their actions. There will always be someone or something there to catch them as they careen through life making one bad decision after the next. By punishing the father and forcing them to pay support or otherwise getting welfare from the state these irresponsible women are enabled to keep living in a childish vortex devoid of responsibility. The whole society suffers from this.
I just laughed out loud at the Anonymous post from 11/5/11. So the c/s only covers a quarter of your kid's expenses, and you choose to not maximize your earning potential because you can't pick your daughter up from school or be home when she's sick? Lady, get a grip! You are what's wrong with ex-wives everywhere! Who says you're entitled to playing the backseat wage earner role because you're the all mighty mom? Plenty of never-divorced moms work full-time, demanding jobs. They hire child care and find carpool situations to get their kids where they need to go. I am married to a man whose ex-wife is much like you. She quit her high paying job and decided to go be a teacher for roughly one third of the pay. Reason? Needs to be available to the kids. Funny, she is out of the house every day from 7:15AM-6:00PM. Great "teacher" hours, huh? I work a professional job, make substantially more money than she does, and I leave later and get home earlier than the victim ex-wife. My husband and I do as much driving for his kids as their mom does. Oh, sure, she's home in the summers but who does that mainly benefit? HER. Go get a real job, take care of your financial obligation as a parent, and set a better example for your daughter. Good grief!
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