Dealing With A Hostile Ex-Wife - Part Five

NOTE: I am not an attorney, psychologist, counselor or therapist. These are simply my suggestions and thoughts having dealt with a hostile ex-wife for the last 3 years.

As sad as these situations were, there seems to be more & more internet searches about dealing with hostile ex wives--just the traffic increase on this site alone is frightening. I'm sure the failing economy is having an impact, or maybe the number of hateful ex-wives really is increasing. Whatever it is, it's obvious people are needing some help and looking for answers. So, my latest round of suggestions:

1. Know the laws in your state that can protect you. If the ex-wife is harassing you, calling when you have asked her not to do so, sending hateful emails, calling you at work--whatever--put it in writing how she may contact you. State explicitly that you do not wish to be contacted by her in any other way. We sent a copy to our attorney for reference. If she violates your stated request, you may have grounds to get a restraining order against her. 3 violations (in Idaho) constitute a felony and she can be sent to jail. Check the laws in your own state and do whatever you need to do to allow you to get a restraining order. It's time to have a zero-tolerance policy concerning abusive ex-wives.

2. Establish rules of behavior in your own home and stick to them. If the ex cannot be civil and decent, do not let her do drop offs at your home. Not only should no one be treated badly in his or her own home, it will make your home an emotionally "safe" environment for the child/children.

3. Take all the steps you can to protect yourself from identity theft. Quite often, one spouse will know the other spouse's social security number. There are ex spouses who are so determined to strike out at the other person that laws don't even seem to slow them down.

4. The less she matters, the worse she might get. In talking with everyone I've encountered who is coping with a hostile ex (husbands as well as wives), and judging from our experience, the idea of just not mattering anymore fuels much of the behavior. As you move on, as her behavior matters less and less to you, as her hurtful accusations mean less and less, she may escalate her behavior in order to get a reaction. At least if you're angry, she still matters. This may be when she is most dangerous, so be prepared. I don't think there is any way around it--unless maybe someone close to her finally steps in with the "you're divorced, get over it, move on" speech--and I don't know if there's anything to be done. We tried for quite a while to let the ex pretend whatever she wanted, but that led to her asking to know things that were none of her business, greater interference with our parenting choices, and probably just delayed the inevitable. When we received a long email from the ex saying her "gift" to him would be to be out of town during our wedding (3 years after their divorce), Andy finally just had to say basically "I could not possibly care less what you do--it just doesn't matter in any way." We've been married almost 2 years now, and I can't say that we've moved out of that "needing to matter" mode, but the more time that passes and the fact that she cannot contact us in any way, shape, or form without going through our attorney, she will hopefully move on. At least our lives are more peaceful.

5. Take care of your health and your relationship. Stress can be physically damaging and can destroy relationships/marriages. Take up a sport together, find time to spend together, plan date nights, go to counseling--whatever it takes. A bitter ex wife will do everything she can to see the ex husband's new marriage fail--she has probably been blaming him for all the problems in the first marriage, and for him to go out and have a successful second marriage actively disproves that. She needs the second marriage to fail, and if you aren't committed to each other and able to work through problems and communicate and support each other, she will get her wish. A very wise family counselor told us, "Put your marriage first, children second."

6. Surround yourself with positive people. It might sound simplistic, but if you have to have one person in your life who is a constant source of meanness, spite, and hate, it will drain you. The only way we've found to combat it is to surround ourselves with large numbers of friends who are loving, supportive, and caring. They will help you get through this--even if you don't openly discuss the problems with them.

7. Help someone else. When dealing with a bitter ex wife--whether you're the ex-husband or the new wife/girlfriend--it can feel like there is no escape, that this horrible person can make your lives miserable and that the child custody system is there to help her do so, and it can consume you. Get involved in a charity, volunteer at a hospital, or talk to someone who is dealing with a major illness such as cancer or cystic fibrosis. I spent 2 years working with cystic fibrosis patients, and have several friends battling cancer right now, and the strength and bravery and determination that all of them have shared is simply humbling. It's been a great reminder that life isn't fair, and I'm sure over the next 10 years we'll continue to have legal battles and expenses, and continued nastiness, but there are so many worse things we could be going through--and we will be legally free of her in 10 years.