The Christmas Letter

Happy Holidays!!!

Once upon a time, in a far away place called Boise, there lived a husband and wife. They were very happy, but as we know happens in all stories, there were bad things as well called “plot twists.” One was called the “economy” which fell apart because too many people were greedy and wanted to own houses that they couldn’t afford. The “economy” cost many people their jobs, including both Andy and Toni. Luckily, Andy and Toni were careful with money and hadn’t bought a too-expensive home, and Andy was able to use a magic power called “telecommuting” to get a job in another state. To learn to be even more careful with money, Toni and Andy decided to go 90 days without buying anything except food and “gasoline,” which makes cars go. Unfortunately, “gasoline” and food became so expensive that it was all they could afford anyway. They had a large back “lawn,” which is also known as a “freaking waste of water in a desert climate,” so they converted much of the “lawn” into a garden so they could grow their own food and learn 37 different ways to cook pumpkin when Toni mixed up seed packets and planted two pumpkin plants by mistake.

Toni got a little over-excited about the garden this year, and canned lots and lots of tomatoes and salsa and sauces. Andy was very tolerant and supportive, but when she canned pickled pumpkin, he staged what is known as an “intervention.”

Also in Boise was a jealous and bitter woman known as the “ex-wife,” who introduced them to new terms such as “Parent Alienation Syndrome” and “Hostile Parenting.” They in turn introduced her to the term “Restraining Order,” and she is now suing them for sole custody.

Andy and Toni share their home with two cats, Callisto and Theo. Sometimes “plot twists” happen to kitties, and Theo is currently in a cast recovering from a dislocated joint & broken leg and Toni is carefully wrapping his cast in saran-wrap so his cast doesn’t get wet when he uses the litter box. Toni refers to this as “utterly and totally kissing her dignity good-bye.”

One of their close friends embarked on a 600-mile hike of the Appalachian Trail in March, so Toni & Andy learned how to dehydrate many foods—including beans, rice, and applesauce—so they could send her food packets along the trail. They learned many things: bacon does dehydrate but it makes an entire house smell like a cheap diner for at least a week; pudding doesn’t dehydrate very well; and dried curried garbanzo beans make a great snack if they don’t get hard enough to break teeth.

Boise is a very special place and Toni and Andy have many friends there, and in order to see these friends more often, they have brought back “Soup Night,” which now occurs on the second Monday of every month, and all friends who live in Boise and the surrounding area are invited. Everyone else is also invited of course, but that is a really long drive for soup.

Like in all good stories, the “plot twists” have added challenges and difficulties to Andy & Toni’s lives this year, but also like in all good stories, they continue to live happily ever after and hope this finds everyone also living happily ever after and having a very merry holiday season, and they send you all their best wishes for the new year!

What we have learned this year:

• There are worse things than having a cat in a cast. One of them is trying to keep the cat quiet and inactive while in the cast.
• Happiness is a state of mind. Sometimes that state is closely related to delusion.
• Type A personalities cannot have a “small” garden or do a “little” canning.
• If you have gone on a 90-day spending ban right before the economy tanks, it’s hard not to have a few worries that you might have caused it.
• The people who most want pity are generally those who least deserve it.
• Not in anyone’s wildest imagination would 3 pumpkins make 5 half-pint jars of pumpkin butter, no matter what the recipe says. Try 30.
• As we prepare to embark on a year of no processed foods, we realize many people will start turning down dinner invitations.
• Labeling things as one plants them in the garden would save a great of time and frustration later.
• Being a bad parent is not illegal. If you’re a single mother, it’s a protected right.
• Only the most insane knitter will tally up all the yarn she currently has in her stash. Hobbies are not the place for reality checks.
• Boise has a Tango Society and tango lessons are quite fun, but the rose in the teeth thing isn’t covered in beginner lessons.
• Read plant labels carefully. A “pimenta” is not the same as “pimento,” and is in fact an insanely hot chili pepper.
• If one has accidentally eaten an insanely hot chili pepper thinking it to be mild, rinsing one’s mouth out with alcohol really does numb the burning.
• The people who were giving us so much flak two years ago about putting a large amount down on our house and not taking out the equity to invest in the stock market are pretty darn quiet now.
• Visiting Ellis Island makes one realize how brave our ancestors really were.
• If you make a cake out of green tomatoes, it’s best to let people try the cake before telling them what’s in it.
• It’s good to make friends with the owners of small hotels—especially ones that are only two hours away and have fun events.
• I realize people have done it for hundreds of years, but I am still foolishly delighted when I can successfully grow our own food in the garden.
• Nothing brings one’s ego down to size faster than having to hold a cat so he can use the litter box.
• A “normal” life is something other people have.
• Facebook is the new way for adults to have no idea what is going on.
• A cat might look extremely silly after it’s been shaved in several places for surgery and I.V.s, but it does really cut down on shedding.
• Green tomato jam is just as weird as it sounds.
• “Month of” experiments are a great way to learn things, but one’s friends are likely to think one is a few pom poms short of a cheer squad.
• Once one starts doing silly Christmas letters, it’s impossible to go back.