Changing With The Times

It has recently come to my attention that many of our sayings are so old that we aren't even sure what they mean any more.  "The proof is in the pudding" leaves many scratching their heads wondering what exactly Jell-O pudding cups prove.  So, I have taken it upon myself to suggest a few updates:

A bird in the hand.....

....is probably a gift of love from your pet

A rolling stone......

....is going to knock the crap out of whatever is at the bottom of the hill

A little learning....

.....is no problem as long as you can pass standardized tests

A penny saved.....

.....is much easier than finding something to buy with one penny

A picture is worth a thousand words......

....and if it's a Maplethorpe, they're all going to be swear words

A rose by any other name.....

....is still probably going to get those darn aphids

A stitch in time....

....must be some sort of 4th dimension physics sort of thing

A watched pot never boils....

....but will boil all over the damn stove the minute your back is turned

All that glitters....

....is in Las Vegas

All the world's a stage.....

....but the best seats cost a fortune

An apple a day...

....isn't at all necessary to keep the doctor away.  Ever tried to get in to see one on a weekend?

An ounce of prevention....

....won't be covered by insurance

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder....

....but it still sells a lot of products to men

Better to give than to receive....

....unless we're talking about the IRS

Birds of a feather flock together.....

....which makes it much easier to crap on moving cars

Can't get blood from a stone....

....and what sort of moron thought one could?

If you can't say anything nice.....

....you probably spend a lot of time leaving anonymous comments on the internet